They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
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John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
My humor is broken
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Classic German Shepherd 😂
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…