They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
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My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”