They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
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“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Plant care tips
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?