They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
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I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.