They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
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I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Solving a traffic jam
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Me driving through Toronto
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
“no gods no masters” = leo
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.