They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
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Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
When you “pspspsp” too hard
