They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
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I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of