Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”

When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese

Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”

Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.

6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀

I forgot how to panic. Help