They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
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Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
How do you milk an almond?
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Damn he played himself
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito