Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid question

Me from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!

Boss: GODDAMIT!

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is

I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

Support your local cemetery

Waiter: How is the chicken?

Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

One of the best

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.