They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
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cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT