They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
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Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I’ve been learning to cook.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.