They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
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[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
🤣🤣💀
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.