They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
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A great tip. #CakeRex
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*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
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“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
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MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!