They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
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It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”