They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
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In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.