Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

new dr. seuss book dropping:

13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

💀💀

that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]

just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy

*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN

The future is now.

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”