Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.

I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?

“Abolishing slavery.”

And…

“Slaying vampires.”

Very good.

“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”

…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.

A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss

“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”

This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.