They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
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The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly