They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
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What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now