Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin

HER: I love Deadpool

ME: I love Dead Pool

HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?

ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?

People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.

I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.

thinking about this

#parenting

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.

Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.

So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.

in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.

Yaba daba do not resuscitate

Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.

Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.

casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?