they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
You Might Also Like
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you