they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
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Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof