they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
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Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school