they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
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STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?