they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
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Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
#ParentingFacts
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.