Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

Education is vital

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!

MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce

best first i’ve ever seen

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

I tuxedo what I tuxewant.

Toddler: *crawling across the desert*

Kind stranger: *offers water*

Toddler: No, red cup!

Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.

Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00

It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.

guys I’m going home

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

OMG this view is amazing!!!

– me opening the lid on the pizza box

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together