Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.

mumsnet is amazing

Sometimes? I’m slipping

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

thank god the sign was there

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”

˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı

Writing, She Murdered.

how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower

Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

[Kanye at pharmacy]

*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*

No one man should have all that powder!

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.