Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

me: can I get a hug?

bartender: *checking cocktail list*

Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.

Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!

The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.

Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*

Spider: noooooooooo

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.