They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
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HERE’S MARKY
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
This is sending me to another galaxy
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.