They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
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[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
the best thing i’ve ever made
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!