They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
You Might Also Like
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
🤔😂😂
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer