Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.

My math is correct, just ask any parent.

what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*

WIFE: the dog got the mail again

ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?

WIFE: because she knows you hate bills

ME: …

DOG: *still wagging*

ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!

My support group can outdrink your support group.

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.

…No, YOU shut up.

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know

I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*

They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.

one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you