Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

doctor: open up

me: it all started when my dad left

doctor: and say ahh

me: oh

doctor: no, “ahh”

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.

If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor

JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE

Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out

Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.

Me: Harry Potter.

Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.

Me: then why does it have witches?

Wife:

Me: and spells.

Wife:

Me: and flying broomsticks.

Wife: pick another movie.

Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.

is the plural of judas judasses or judi

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.