they see me scrollin
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tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…