they see me scrollin
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April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great