they see me scrollin
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listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
