they see me scrollin
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Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
PLEASE READ
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
that would 100% work on me
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
what kind of cook setting is this??
