they see me scrollin
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game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…