They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
You Might Also Like
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
See..?
.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower