They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.