They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
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Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Windchimes
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage