They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
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My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?