They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
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*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.