They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
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Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.