Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?

My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

[First Date]

Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?

me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!

JW: excuse me?

me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

Father: I love both my sons equally.

Max: I know that, dad.

Min: I have my doubts.

Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.

Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

mom: what’d you do today?

christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole

mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.

I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”