they should create new variants of dopamine
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* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.