they should create new variants of dopamine
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me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.