Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….

It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.

But that’s none of my business

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

—What are we?

—Women!

—What do we want?

— We don’t know!

—When do we want it?

— Now!

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[Later]

Them: So how did you two meet?

Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves

But I don’t like to point fingers

My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me