Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.

Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

Her: Who ate all the ice cream?

Me: *blaming the dog* Reese

Her: What? How?

Me: Witherspoon

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.

Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog