They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
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God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”