They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
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DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Lucky old June.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
This is Sparta
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
getting corrected
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.