Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”

How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it

Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him

Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.

Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.