They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9
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[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.