They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
You Might Also Like
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah