They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
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What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
sweet dreams💖
The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home