They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
You Might Also Like
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.