Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted

me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive

friend: flirting how?

me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??

Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints

Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other

1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”

Seat cushions are the original stool softeners

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica

Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

Mountain Goat : )

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride