Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

Them: “ah just the guy I wanted to see”
My brain: well this can’t be good

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.

“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh

Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.

The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*

My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.

Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts!

Happy Halloween 🎃

[restaurant]

waiter: how would you like your steak

me: i don’t know, medium?

medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot

me:

waiter:

me: lmao

waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u

me: oh definitely

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries