Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*

Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.

Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?

Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.

Dracula:

Her: oh

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.

Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

Me: I’m gonna make you groan!

Her: you mean moan?

Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?

I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?

ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters

“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”

Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.