They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
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FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
yes… yes…
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
i shaved my chupacabra for this?
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”