They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
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Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH