They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
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ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream