They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
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my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.