Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more

Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.

Me: I love these lazy Sundays.

Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night

Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?

[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that

Me:

Ghost:

Me: you know what being haunted is fine

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.