They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
You Might Also Like
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Not today
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.