They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
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[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
💀😭
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
in the divorce i get custody of the little plate in the microwave
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.