they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
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Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
“Huge”.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Adultry does not sound fun at all
This is my brand.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want