Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems

What I hear: better have the whole bottle then

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?

Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.

God help us.

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

Me: I need to lose some weight.

Fries: Let’s do it together.

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

become ungovernable