They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
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Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day