Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”

Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

???????????????????????

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.

This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.

When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad

Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!