They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
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An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
