They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
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[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?