They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
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[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
always be there
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse