They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
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I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
A family that plays together cheats.