They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
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When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Sell your car
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.