they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
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“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
😂🐈⬛
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*