they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
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My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.