Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!

Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process

Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.

Except bullets.

Bullets and gravity.

Also poison.

we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.

fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt

me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*

fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you

Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up

To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.

Child: [eating cereal]

Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.

Child: Thank you.

Me [taking a step]: *crunch*

Child:

Me: There it is.

“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”

-psychopaths

the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*

They’re the worst 😩

[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.