they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
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Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
6: are snakes just neck?
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit