they should invent a hydrating liquor
You Might Also Like
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
🙄😏😂🤣
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.