they should invent a rest for the wicked
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lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.