they should invent a rest for the wicked
![]()
You Might Also Like
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain![]()
![]()
![]()
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
![]()