they should invent a rest for the wicked
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[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
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I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.