they should invent a rest for the wicked
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My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.