they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
You Might Also Like
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
i can’t work under these festive conditions
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
And now we wait
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
