they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
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Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤