they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
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How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.